My Monday Morning Quarterback

      Today, this Monday morning at 7:47, I definitely need an alibi.  Both kids are downstairs eating a nutritious breakfast of Waffle Crisp cereal.  We have just confirmed a dentist appointment after school, and now Joey thumps down the stairs in a weighty stumble, sits at the table, and in his sleepy presence is not with us.  I go upstairs to wash up, I've already accepted the fact that I need the extra twenty minutes that the bus does not allow me.
     "Just stay down here with them."  I ask Joe. Which requires almost nothing of him.  I won't even ask him to pull off the seasoned bathrobe sprint to the bus stop a block away.  He grunts at me as he lifts his coffee mug.  Charming as ever.
     I come downstairs ten minutes later.
     "C'mon kids."  I say grabbing my bag.

My quarterback.

    "You know you could have made the bus."  I hear him say as I toss my bag over my shoulder and cover my leopard bathrobe with my jacket and scarf.  Whaaaa?  I think to myself but express strongly in my stance.
      He is sitting at the kitchen table, completely unaware that lunch needed to be packed, snacks picked, and teeth brushed.  He assumed it was all done.  "Alan, did you brush?"  I call over my shoulder.
     "I'm going now." He responds.
     "awww.....that's not fair."  Joe complains.  He needs to learn, just because a nine year old knows to brush his teeth it doesn't actually mean that he'll do it.
     There Joe sat, like a fat Russian wannabe Olympic trainer eating fried chicken, watching me run the hundred meter to the bus stop and complaining that my time was off.  I've been in training for the past six months for this, yet in his stagnant state, he thinks he can take home the gold.
     Today I need an alibi because I can kill over the criticism 'sans' construct.  I am up from four a.m., rushed and weighted down by my son and his "I know, I know...." and "Okay, okay"  in between insignificant squabbling and critical snack selection.  I knowingly miss the bus (and up to the second he opens his mouth) am okay with it.  Then comes the Monday morning quarterback.
    Touchdown- "Can I do anything to help out hon?   Should I walk them to the bus stop?  Are the school books packed?  I'll rinse my coffee mug and put it in the dishwasher."  Would be nice to hear. But what it get goes more like:
     Flag on the play-"the coffee's not strong enough, I slept like a rock last night or (my personal favorite) did someone fart?"  Mick Jagger, I know what you mean, I can't get no satisfaction either.
     I wonder how much any husband would appreciate a pop-in from the wife during a power meeting at work.   She sits and observes a conference call.  Once her husband has put the receiver back on the phone-Shoulda, woulda, coulda made a better deal, gotten a better price, better terms, bigger contract, blah, blah, blah.  Unless you're willing to take action, don't step onto my field.  Actions do more than take up oxygen, they could help out that frazzled mom who for once would love to not drive her kids to school.                                                     
    If I were not so focused on getting the kids to school and avoiding jail over a domestic dispute, I'd hit him over the head and smash him into the shape of a fun-shaped chicken nugget, package him in a foil wrapper and send him to school with the kids.

Read between the Yellow Lines

     Tonight I attended parent teacher conferences.  Once I walked out I was met by two police cars.  One of the neighbors called in a complaint, it's usually because a parent unknowingly blocked a driveway.


Key word-unknowingly.

     In my opinion, there is a special art in unknowing a street you frequent with your kids daily... yet everyday, people play stupid.  Ignoring the 'No Standing' sign on each corner so that the buses can't turn onto the street backing up traffic a block on Dahill.  Buses and cars squealing their horns, like barnyard animals trying to break free from the fence.  Cars double parked for pick up, locals passing by with furrowed brows and the unforgiving sound of metal scraping metal.  We may have the tendency to forget, the neighbors unfortunately do not sympathize with this.

     The guard is outside with a look of concern.  "They're blocking driveways.  They're gonna get ticketed,"  he said as he put out his cigarette.
     I shrug as I walk back to my car parked in a legal spot, but under my breath say "Good."  Why should I be the only one shivering in the snow, or walking in the rain?  There are rules, and don't block my freakin driveway is the mother of them all.
          I'd also like to pick on the 'yellow line creators/extenders.'   I don't have a law degree, but just because ones paint yellow lines two feet past their curb cut, doesn't mean that they own the extra 4 feet of sidewalk or curb.  Or does it?  And why is yellow always the color of choice?  Why not fuchsia?  If you're gonna paint something for the public, let it have some artistic value.

     My driveway is constantly blocked.  I myself am not a driveway hog, if there's a street spot and the driveway is open, I take to the streets.  But on that off chance that I need to go for that space that is meant for me, there it is-a van unloading, a workman for someone else on the block, the neighbor with the giant stucco truck that can never find a spot (and never offered a discount to re-stucco our house)or even a motorist using his iPhone. There are five other driveways on the block, ours always seems to be the default to regular street parking, and yet I still have not to invested in the paintbrush or the tow away sign.
     Parking is a privilege reserved to those who have cars, it is not an entitlement to park everywhere.   My remorse for those who still think that it's okay 'just for a second' to block or park where they are not permitted only to be perplexed when ticketed or towed.  My compassion lies with those with a place to park, who ironically cannot.

Maybe I can commission someone to paint this at my driveway.

Winter 2015 Check list

  

I have given up on any hope for an early spring, so to tide myself over until Mother Nature decides to take some Advil and bring back the warmth here are a few things to assure me that my winters from here on will be well tolerated.

     1.  Cozy knits.  A good turtleneck is worth its weight in wool, fleece, and Botox.  Here is my #1 goto item to keep from getting a sore throat.  No need for lipstick.  Also good for hiding weight gain, pointy chin, acne, unwanted facial hair, and concealing secrets.

       
    2.  Boots that are furry in and out, preferably dark brown or black to hide any of the dirt, grime or salt that I need to walk through.  Having survived this winter I've learned one thing.  If I'm going to spend money on one good item, it's going to be boots.  Something warm, stylish, and I won't get sick of looking at 13 snowstorms later.                                                                                    
                                                                                                                                     

3.  Warmth should be felt within, but not without a hearty helping of Starbucks.  No iced treats until the temp has reached 60.  Something warm and strong to keep me alert and toasty during those below freezing mornings when I'm crying louder than the kids because I don't want that frosty kiss of sub-zero wind chill.  

4.  Since Starbucks doesn't discriminate on calories, and I could easily see myself putting on the pounds having everything delivered (including take-out), physical activity is very important. I'd make sure to have an insulated tunnel to Adele Khaski's gym.  This trainer is what you get if you were to cross Redbull,  Nike, and Wonder Woman.   This woman thinks and modifies her workouts as she teaches, before you have the opportunity to get comfortable (or lazy) with a workout-she changes it up on you!  What I've learned  training with Adele is as long as you can smack out the 'I can't' in the brain, your body can do almost anything.  A winter workout that includes any of Adele's workouts-circuit, strengthening and conditioning, kickboxing, or boot camp will change your attitude about trying on bathing suits for summer.

 

     5.  In the case that the winter of 2014 was just a sampling of the winter's we can expect in the future...I'd have to be able to go to sleep laughing. The Odd Couple has always proven itself to be an excellent laugh.                  

6.  I love this find, the snow wovel.  No back pain with the lift, no boredom with shoveling.  I dunno, I may start to enjoy the idea of snow with this contraption.






7.  Without music, I don't think anything in life would be the same.  There are so many artists I have to thank throughout my adolescent years(and now) who were able to understand me when I felt no one in my life could.  So with 10 feet of snow, as long as I had some nice tunes, it could continue.

Cool hiding spot.

8. With all the snow days that come along with twenty feet of snow, I'll have to build a special nook for myself to hide, just to have a little bit of me time (because there is no 'me' in mommy).

I'm sure that there will be plenty of add ons to this list before the first snow of 2015 hits, but here in the throws of our possible 13th snow storm of 2014 I'm learning, you can never be too prepared.  Jack Frost, hit me with your best shot....I'll be prepped for next year.

    

Future Wisdom

   

      Every morning I go through the same thing. I wake up snuggled between my kids.  My first moments of consciousness are spent feeling the rhythm of Joycee rubbing her legs against mine like a girl scout trying to make a fire.  I rise from bed, kiss their warm puffy cheeks, and go downstairs to make coffee feeling especially blessed.
     That blessed feeling is replaced by a migraine as soon as I hear the echo of complaints and the heavy thump of footsteps coming downstairs 20 minutes later....by which time we will be officially late to school... again.
     There should be no surprises, weekdays, (school days) are full of monotony, but somehow what is boredom to me is a surprise of massive proportions to those under the drinking age.  The doe-eyed stares, the tears I get, the open mouthed look of surprise.    The knots that form in my stomach and lower intestine every time I hear the following statements 'WHAT?  YOU NEVER SAID THAT!  NOW?  I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.  AWWW.  OKAY.  FINE.  NO, NO, NO.  I'M NOT DOING IT. AND my personal favorite, YOU'RE LUCKY BECAUSE YOU GET TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ALL DAY.
     The kids can't begin to understand me, which constantly makes me the bad guy.  I should be at an advantage, because I've been through the experience of childhood already.  I am taking this time to explain to them what they won't understand until they are parents themselves. 
 
Mommy isn't grumpy in the morning, it just gets frustrating repeating oneself daily on a minute to minute basis.

Just because you didn't hear me, doesn't mean I didn't say it.


If you are sick, mommy will be there for you, but not in the mood for school does not cut it.  No vomit, no fever, no diarrhea, no blood-no pass.
 
Parents are just big kids.  We still hate homework, the idea of school, doctor visits, and scheduled bedtimes.

Parents need unwind time too.  Going out for dinner or a movie with friends is our version of a play date.
 
You say you want a dog and that you'll take the responsibility.  What you mean is you'll walk the dog but once it poops the leash is mom's.

Saying "okay, fine," or "yes mommy" and NOT doing what's asked of you is like nails on a chalkboard.


There is no conversation so time sensitive that it needs to be spoken through the bathroom door.

I am not obsessed with exercise, it's just a great outlet for pent up energy.

TV is not your friend.

The term 'social' media is an oxymoron.

Like the song says, Don't worry..be happy.

Do it now.  When you have an idea, run with it.

Don't be afraid of the unknown, you can't know everything, and even if you could-what's the fun in that?


Friends may come and go, but family is there forever.

You'll never be too old to cuddle (just not between 12-6am, mommies need their sleep too).

Everyone ages, but as long as you let your inner child sing, you will never grow old.

Naming your own child after your parents may be too traditional for some, but in truth, it's karma.
(what's cuter than yelling out your parents names and telling them to do their homework, or go bathe?)

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't cry or complain when mom brings home clothing for me to try on (after all there will be a point where I'll have to shop and pay for my own things).

As a kid, another do-over:  when mommy is sick, the best way to take care of her would be to let her sleep.

One cannot begin to understand the swell of love in the heart for a child, until they have their own. And even when you come to that understanding, you will still NEVER be able to comprehend how much your own parents love you.


Be careful with your words.  What takes only a few seconds to come out of your mouth can sit on someones mind and heart for decades.

Some of the songs you listen to are 'remakes'-that means it's an old song being sung by a younger artist.  One day when you are driving, or exercising, or just listening, you'll hear what will be 'remakes' of your music-and you'll feel a decade older.  Call me when you do.

Weight is like the stock market, it may go up, it may go down, but should never be mistaken for your true value.

 You have way more in common with me than you'd like to admit, the sad part is that you won't realize for another 20 years when you're trying to have that hot cup of coffee during your waking moments and your six year old wants to sit directly on you.  Or on the drive back from toys r us, when you've already instructed the kids NOT to open the new toys you've just bought for them-and you hear them trying to quietly crack open the box.  Or when that book report is due and they need the list of supplies, or when they get out of bed for the 12th time for a glass of water....

Hopefully, I'll still be around for you to complain to and connect with.  But if I'm not, just know that I'll always be with you, and yes, I understand.

Run Forest Run

     I don't know why, but I never tried. 

     Maybe it's the fear of failing, but even when I would, I'd set myself up for disappointment by setting the bar at sub-zero.  I didn't compete for the same reasons.  Something inside me has echoed that I can't for so long that more often than not, I just didn't.
     'Something' changed, and one day, that negative voice disappeared.  I told myself I wanted to run.
Anyone who knows me knows that statement is laughable. If I was in a horror flick, I'd be the first one that Jason, Micheal, Freddy Kreuger, or CandyMan would kill. Maybe because I'd spend so much time looking back that I wouldn't be watching where I was going, and trip.  So I stopped looking behind me.  I competed with no one other than the self I was the day before, and I ran (or maybe jogged-but i was moving).
     Today, I finally did it.  I set a goal for myself, I worked, and I completed my first 5K run.  With that done, I feel there is so much more that I am capable of doing.
     I know that if I'm not careful, the dark voice of can't will try to find its way back in.  But even then, I'm ahead of the game because I have had the experience of trying and succeeding.

 If you say you can or you can't you are right either way”
― Henry Ford

    

How Tradition can Doom Your Valentine

Commercialism is killing cupid.

                                                   
  If you are looking to impress some lucky lady this Valentine's day, save yourself and your money.
'Real men' are incapable of gifting a woman at all, says me and every sitcom ever aired on a prime time network.

The following are a list of traditional and not-so-original Valentine's day gifts to beware.

Home-made cards-While there are some that swear it's the thought that counts, unless your under 10 and she gave birth to you that 'home made' card sentiment reeks 'cheap ass'.

Flowers are beautiful, smell nice, but have a short shelf-life.  Is pretty and quick to die the message you want to send about your relationship?

Store bought cards-Although the purchase and selection time shows thoughtful intent, there isn't much written inside that tells her what she means to you.  If you're just going to pick the biggest card and sign your name-save yourself and your money.  Realize she's going to put you on the spot to tell her HOW she makes you feel the way Hallmark or American Greetings has expressed your feelings.

Sexy Lingerie-She may have a great body and appreciate nice undergarments.  Perhaps that's all you think of her-sex-sex-sex-and then as a result of your one track mind... you get none.  Or you get her size wrong and she accuses you of mixing her form with another girlfriend's, still in the end, you get the doghouse.

Stuffed Animals-I don't even almost buy the 'melt her heart with a giant teddy bear' angle.    Unless you're a pedophile looking for a parole violation, or looking to cram more unnecessary clutter into your home. Skip it!


Clothing-most heterosexual men have no idea how to shop for a woman.  If left to their own devices you'll end up looking like a devil in red, a slutty nurse, or a hooker (and it's not even Halloween).  Men are going to gravitate to what catches their eyes, which isn't necessarily something you'll soon see in Vogue or In Style.  To make a bad case scenario worse, you pick the wrong size, either way..... disaster.
Too big-shows you have a poor body image of her.
Too small-gives her a poor body image of herself.
    She's going to bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry's or browsing the Weight Watchers Website on her laptop.  Either way, it won't be you she's be curling up with.

Board Games-  you can go beyond tradition and pick out a naughty board game like:
Naughty Bingo, Sexy Truth or Dare, I Dare You, Sex Stack, or Know your Partner.  After she's done laughing and gives you a hug for originality, after she backs away and asks WHY you chose a board game, after you begin to sweat is when she asks you that question, Why the board game, why THAT board game "Well, ARE you bored with it?" -before you know it you could have saved the $$, because she's already playing 20 questions.

Jewelry-  If you haven't already given her 'THE' ring, don't bother with the jewelry.  My husband once took me to pick a belated anniversary gift.  The pieces he was showing me were so 1980-gold and multicolored stones-that I was half expected a weathered Olivia Newton John to come into the store singing 'Xandu.'  Also keep in mind that if you do propose on Valentines day, that's an eternity of TWO gifts she can expect from you-anniversary AND Valentine's day.

What CAN you do?  What DO you give her?  A good start would be to avoid putting labels on ANY days-Mother's, Father's, Thanksgiving, Earth day etc.  No one day, no single card, no isolated gift is ever enough to tell a person in your life that you're there, you're listening, and all you want to do is be happy together.  The intent should not be that one day makes up for the other 364 there are to express yourself to those around you.  There should be a constant attempt at trying.  These commercial holiday celebrations should be reminders to us all.

That being said, I'd like to take these last few moments to say how important it is to make the attempt. Because the worst possible turnout to receiving a lame gift-is disappointment...but the punishment for making no attempt at all....is self explanatory.

In the Dog house.