How Tradition can Doom Your Valentine

Commercialism is killing cupid.

                                                   
  If you are looking to impress some lucky lady this Valentine's day, save yourself and your money.
'Real men' are incapable of gifting a woman at all, says me and every sitcom ever aired on a prime time network.

The following are a list of traditional and not-so-original Valentine's day gifts to beware.

Home-made cards-While there are some that swear it's the thought that counts, unless your under 10 and she gave birth to you that 'home made' card sentiment reeks 'cheap ass'.

Flowers are beautiful, smell nice, but have a short shelf-life.  Is pretty and quick to die the message you want to send about your relationship?

Store bought cards-Although the purchase and selection time shows thoughtful intent, there isn't much written inside that tells her what she means to you.  If you're just going to pick the biggest card and sign your name-save yourself and your money.  Realize she's going to put you on the spot to tell her HOW she makes you feel the way Hallmark or American Greetings has expressed your feelings.

Sexy Lingerie-She may have a great body and appreciate nice undergarments.  Perhaps that's all you think of her-sex-sex-sex-and then as a result of your one track mind... you get none.  Or you get her size wrong and she accuses you of mixing her form with another girlfriend's, still in the end, you get the doghouse.

Stuffed Animals-I don't even almost buy the 'melt her heart with a giant teddy bear' angle.    Unless you're a pedophile looking for a parole violation, or looking to cram more unnecessary clutter into your home. Skip it!


Clothing-most heterosexual men have no idea how to shop for a woman.  If left to their own devices you'll end up looking like a devil in red, a slutty nurse, or a hooker (and it's not even Halloween).  Men are going to gravitate to what catches their eyes, which isn't necessarily something you'll soon see in Vogue or In Style.  To make a bad case scenario worse, you pick the wrong size, either way..... disaster.
Too big-shows you have a poor body image of her.
Too small-gives her a poor body image of herself.
    She's going to bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry's or browsing the Weight Watchers Website on her laptop.  Either way, it won't be you she's be curling up with.

Board Games-  you can go beyond tradition and pick out a naughty board game like:
Naughty Bingo, Sexy Truth or Dare, I Dare You, Sex Stack, or Know your Partner.  After she's done laughing and gives you a hug for originality, after she backs away and asks WHY you chose a board game, after you begin to sweat is when she asks you that question, Why the board game, why THAT board game "Well, ARE you bored with it?" -before you know it you could have saved the $$, because she's already playing 20 questions.

Jewelry-  If you haven't already given her 'THE' ring, don't bother with the jewelry.  My husband once took me to pick a belated anniversary gift.  The pieces he was showing me were so 1980-gold and multicolored stones-that I was half expected a weathered Olivia Newton John to come into the store singing 'Xandu.'  Also keep in mind that if you do propose on Valentines day, that's an eternity of TWO gifts she can expect from you-anniversary AND Valentine's day.

What CAN you do?  What DO you give her?  A good start would be to avoid putting labels on ANY days-Mother's, Father's, Thanksgiving, Earth day etc.  No one day, no single card, no isolated gift is ever enough to tell a person in your life that you're there, you're listening, and all you want to do is be happy together.  The intent should not be that one day makes up for the other 364 there are to express yourself to those around you.  There should be a constant attempt at trying.  These commercial holiday celebrations should be reminders to us all.

That being said, I'd like to take these last few moments to say how important it is to make the attempt. Because the worst possible turnout to receiving a lame gift-is disappointment...but the punishment for making no attempt at all....is self explanatory.

In the Dog house.